You want to do WHAT to our prisoners?
by Culper Sr
Summary: Orochimaru has an interesting suggestion during the Third World War that turns some heads. One-shot, comical arguing
**You want to do WHAT to our prisoners?**

 ** _A/N:_** **I have no idea how I even came up with this lol… But I found it amusing enough to put on paper. Although the claims of me possibly needing to seek help for my sick humor may have merit this time around.**

 **Anyway, enjoy!**

"Say again?" Hiruzen deadpanned, the pipe dropping from his mouth. There was _no way_ in hell his former apprentice came up with such a thing! He couldn't have heard that right.

It was currently wartime, and many of the top ranked members of Konoha's command were present in a meeting. That meant Danzo, Koharu, Homura, Minato, Hiashi, Shikaku and the Sannin were all present amongst others.

Orochimaru felt that Konoha wasn't taking interrogative measures far enough, and decided to address that in this meeting, and now apparently had to repeat himself, "I am suggesting that anyone from the Stone that doesn't cooperate after going through the rather tame interrogative methods we're currently using in the field have a living snake shoved up their ass."

Oh my God he really did say that!

Most of the people in the room (everyone who wasn't a fellow Sannin or Danzo) was both appalled and utterly stunned that Orochimaru could even come up with that.

"You're suggesting we commit war crimes!" Hiashi sneered, "And we'll have no part of it."

Orochimaru just chuckled creepily, "War crimes…" As if the mere idea of such a concept seemed either ridiculous or meaningless to him, it was hard to say which. Perhaps both.

"You sick bastard," Jiraiya grumbled, "Don't you even realize how much your snakes are going to hate you?"

Orochimaru casted a glance at his old teammate and shrugged, "If Manda doesn't care what I do to them, why should I?"

Hiruzen pinched the bridge of his nose, as great of a ninja Orochimaru was… He was seriously reflecting badly on the Hokage in the present moment.

"I like it," Danzo finally spoke up.

"What!?" Tsunade snapped her head at the man in disbelief.

"I imagine it would be quite effective…" He elaborated, "Even if we don't implement it, we would be wise to allow the rumors of it to spread to the other villages; fear of our interrogation methods alone would make some of the weaker enemy shinobi more cooperative."

"He's got a point," Shikaku chimed, "I would be supportive of that as long as we don't _actually_ do it to anyone."

Orochimaru frowned, "Fear of our interrogation methods through word is not as strong as through action…" He paused to chuckle, "And a joke compared to what _experiencing_ it would be like _,"_ He portrayed with a sick smile.

"Yeah I bet you _have_ experienced that kind of stuff Orochimaru," Jiraiya shot at him with crossed arms and a smirk.

Orochimaru didn't even bother to look at his teammate and ignored the laughter of some in the room, "Just because I don't attempt to bone everything that moves like some people doesn't mean I resort to such things." Tsunade laughed hard in Jiraiya's expense, much to the Toad Sannin's annoyance.

"If we could get back to the matter at hand…" Homura spoke up finally, weary of the side squabbling, "I like Danzo's suggestion."

"As do I," Koharu nodded.

"What a shock," Tsunade grumbled, "When do they ever _not_ agree with Danzo?!"

Jiraiya put a hand on her shoulder, "You better get used to it, they're going to sit there and agree with him on things until they finally die of old age."

"Ahem… We can hear you…" A displeased Homura glared at the two Sannin.

"…Good."

"Danzo's suggestion is tolerable, much more than Orochimaru's," Hiashi stated and cast a disgusted look at the Snake Sannin, "However our reputation might take more damage from allowing the rest of the world to believe we're doing such things. As I said before, Orochimaru's suggestion is a _war crime_ ," He restated and paused in mid-monologue because Orochimaru felt inclined to laugh again at the mention of the term 'war crime.'

"Is something funny?"

"Oh don't mind me, please," Orochimaru laughed to himself some more, "Do continue."

"As I was saying…" Hiashi restarted, "Our reputation may be damaged more from the ruse of committing war crimes than it would actually benefit in the war effort."

"That remains to be seen," Danzo challenged, "I happen to agree with Orochimaru that our interrogation methods are too soft and inadequate! There's no telling how much more intel we may be able to extract from this."

"It undoubtedly has a positive tactical effect theoretically," Shikaku agreed, "But we can't be certain the effects would be as immense as you and Orochimaru predict."

"We'd be putting our reputation on the line, and you must realize the rumors will spread through Konoha as well. We could cause dissention within our own ranks as well as upset the civilian populace!" Hiashi argued.

"Another good point," Shikaku concurred.

"We can afford to take these risks for the good of the leaf village!" Danzo insisted, "The intel we may be able to gain could help us end this war a lot faster!"

"The sooner the war ends, the less lives we lose Hiruzen," Koharu pressed.

Hiruzen sighed. _At least the discussion was spun into the idea of leading the world to believe we were doing that rather than Orochimaru's actual suggestion._ The aging Hokage wasn't sure he would've been able to handle listening to them argue in favor of Orochimaru's sick ideology.

"The prisoners' fears would melt away once they had a chance to interact with prisoners that have been in our hands longer. The rumors would be laid to rest by the prisoners that never received such treatment. Your idea in theory could work but only up until that point," Orochimaru argued, "We should just do it! I guarantee people will start talking."

"We don't need them to believe it once they've been relocated to a POW camp, the threat of our interrogation methods would loom over them and cause early cooperation before they're even sent there."

Danzo nodded in agreement to that statement, "But why stop with the snake rumors? Orochimaru, what _other_ creative torture methods might you have? We'll spread several of different rumors!" The scheming Shimura plotted.

"I'm sure I could come up with something… But I don't think that is necessary if you will just allow me to use this one in the first place!"

"For God sakes Orochimaru we are _not_ shoving snakes up people's ass!" Jiraiya snapped at his teammate once again, "You sick fucker I will never understand you!"

"To be honest, I'm waiting for you to realize you want to write a scene in one of those ridiculous little novels of yours where someone has a fetish of the sort."

"What? You disg—Actually… Wait you might be onto something there."

"God damn it Orochimaru…" Tsunade's eye twitched.

The Sandaime had officially had it, he needed a break and to get really high and catch some sleep, "I call recess to this meeting… We'll resume this discussion tomorrow."

 _I'm getting too old for this…_

 ** _A/N:_** **Lol like I said idk where this all came from but I thought it was worth a one-shot. Hope yall found it amusing**


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